An open letter to you

Thank you for taking time to talk to me last Friday.

It has been a week since we spoke and I'm still processing my feelings around what happened.

I guess a big part of me hoped that I would stop having feelings for you after knowing that you didn't love me the way I deserved but it didn't really worked out that way.

Despite logically knowing what you did to me is unfair, selfish and irresponsible, deep down, I still have feelings for you.

I know you thought the things I noticed were insignificant, but there was a point where I did feel you care about me, I remembered you swapping out my soup cause it turned cold, you would apologise within 5 mins for losing your temper at me, and you would explain yourself whenever I looked concern, those were the times you understood your actions have impact on me and it wasn't always the cold and callous competition of who is having a harder time in life.

While I do wish you will be happy with your girlfriend, I kind of always wished you would fulfill the promises you'd made to me, i.e. treating me to char kway teow, doing the book cover with me, taking me to rock climbing, accompany me to cycling, or even as small as just having dinner with me everyday. All those things which I've once looked forward to experiencing with you, they will not be possible anymore. And I still remembered you went home to grab red bean potong simply cause I asked for it.

So I can't deny that you had feelings, but I guess we don't have the same depth of feelings towards what happened and that's okay cause I've sort of came to terms that we weren't the same kind of people to begin with and hence why it wouldn't work out regardless.

Its hard to pen these down, cause I feel weak (and stupid) as I'm aware you don't feel the same way about me anymore.

I guess the remaining pain mainly comes from me rejecting my feelings towards you and I hope writing this out will help me accept those feelings and they can be let go eventually.