Day 476 - Irrational

Had a super bad day at work, literally did nothing.

Ended work around 8+ 9-ish. Had a sudden rush of blood, I had almost no petrol, but no, I still want to ride there.

His bike was there, his shuttles were up. I opened his door, only he is around. I knocked, no response. I knocked again, he stood up, saw me, I asked if we can have a chat, he told me his is going home. He wasn't going to run away and I don't give a damn.

Of course, I will only ask stupid questions as always and piss him off. No matter what he said, I wouldn't believe it, and I will only oscillate.

But maybe I did clarify certain things I wanted to...

Do you think you ever really liked me?

"I did like you"

Do you think when you did what you did, you had my back?

"I didn't think you will accept it"

When I told you I wanted a committed relationship, and you replied "I just want to spend my time with you" was that not a commitment?

"That was how I felt at the moment"

Was that not a commitment, or did I misunderstood?

"Silence."

In your opinion, did you asked me out?

"I thought I did".

So, in an exclusive relationship, you think it is acceptable to be talking to new people on a dating app?

"Yes, I think it is acceptable."

I stared at him in disapproval.

Did you think about how what you do or say will affect me?

"Yes, at that time I did"

In my mind, it screamed: "LIAR. IF YOU DID, I WOULDN'T BECOME LIKE THIS, IF YOU DID, WE WOULDN'T BECOME LIKE THIS!!"

We parted ways, and I was filled with hatred, my head aches, I wouldn't stop crying again and I decided to send him a hate message.

"You only considered how it will affect you, not us, and definitely not me. That.is.not.liking.me.that.is.using.me. Everything is my fault, I thought you will protect me but you are a coward. I wish you will stay the same and live a long life!"

I felt satisfied after that.