Day 477 - The end of 'us'
I finished another day of unfruitful work. My mind is always in a swirl, I often click about the tabs with no purpose.
I am frustrated at my inability to concentrate, but at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about him.
8pm; everyone at work left.
I decided to give it another shot. I rode to his studio, saw his bike downstairs, and decided to go up.
The lift door opened at level 6. His shuttle is up, I wondered if he locked his door this time. My heart pounded as I open his door and knocked.
I walked in after knocking, he stood up to see who came in and was visibly unmoved when I walked in. He sat down, I didn't speak a word, put my head in his lap and asked him if he would like to hear a story. To my surprise, he said ok.
So I told him the story of Nuan Nan, how he didn't get back to me after I told him how emotionally unstable I am at the moment, and asked if he would wait for me. Of course, I also told him a lot of other crap - like how I hate him.
Then I told him how I suck at my job and feel crappy everyday. Stressed out that I wouldn't be good enough. I told him I feel safe here, because I don't want to let my inner circle know I'm still not over a guy and he is the only one who doesn't have any expectation from me.
Then I told him my grandma passed away. He said he is sorry to hear that. Then I told him I felt relieved when I hear that, cause she looked like she is in pain when I visit her in Beijing 3 weeks ago. He asked if I was close to her. I said how I lived with her for a few years, but I don't remember, and how I will always visit her when I go back, and grandma dotes on me because I look a lot like her.
I always ask him, will I ever get better, and he always tells me, he doesn't know. I told him, maybe I wanted revenge, I wanted him to suffer as much pain as I did.
I guess I annoyed him again, so he is in a hurry to leave. He started hastily texting and stood in front of me. For a longest time, I stared at this tiny man, who is the same height as me, whose face is now so sharp because he is too skinny. His waist, looks like the circumference of my thighs, and has a pair of huge feet, almost like a hobbit and he is always wearing the same pair of berms which looks super oversize on him now.
He started walking around and he rushed me out of the place. On the way to his bike, I wanted to ask him stupid questions again, and I did as always cause I left my brain in outer space.
He was really pissed, and every time he gets really pissed with me, he will start coughing. He coughed like he was going to passed out, and I can see his anger brew.
Unlike the rest of the times, when I felt a little tinch of victory when he is angry, my heart broke a little. This man, who once meant the world to me is suffering because of me.
What do I get out of tormenting him? Even if he is a bad person, he has always been kind to me. Even when he is not the nicest guy on earth, he tried his best to be nice to me.
Why do I have to see everything so negatively? Maybe he over did it because he liked me too much? He tried too hard so he will not lose me, maybe that is his only mistake.
I shaked his hand, and wished him all the best. He said Thank You. He is such a polite boy. I cried and told him, I hope I will get better soon. Then I turned and walked away.
I told myself on the way back that, I will get better, not only for myself, but for the both of us.
I am frustrated at my inability to concentrate, but at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about him.
8pm; everyone at work left.
I decided to give it another shot. I rode to his studio, saw his bike downstairs, and decided to go up.
The lift door opened at level 6. His shuttle is up, I wondered if he locked his door this time. My heart pounded as I open his door and knocked.
I walked in after knocking, he stood up to see who came in and was visibly unmoved when I walked in. He sat down, I didn't speak a word, put my head in his lap and asked him if he would like to hear a story. To my surprise, he said ok.
So I told him the story of Nuan Nan, how he didn't get back to me after I told him how emotionally unstable I am at the moment, and asked if he would wait for me. Of course, I also told him a lot of other crap - like how I hate him.
Then I told him how I suck at my job and feel crappy everyday. Stressed out that I wouldn't be good enough. I told him I feel safe here, because I don't want to let my inner circle know I'm still not over a guy and he is the only one who doesn't have any expectation from me.
Then I told him my grandma passed away. He said he is sorry to hear that. Then I told him I felt relieved when I hear that, cause she looked like she is in pain when I visit her in Beijing 3 weeks ago. He asked if I was close to her. I said how I lived with her for a few years, but I don't remember, and how I will always visit her when I go back, and grandma dotes on me because I look a lot like her.
I always ask him, will I ever get better, and he always tells me, he doesn't know. I told him, maybe I wanted revenge, I wanted him to suffer as much pain as I did.
I guess I annoyed him again, so he is in a hurry to leave. He started hastily texting and stood in front of me. For a longest time, I stared at this tiny man, who is the same height as me, whose face is now so sharp because he is too skinny. His waist, looks like the circumference of my thighs, and has a pair of huge feet, almost like a hobbit and he is always wearing the same pair of berms which looks super oversize on him now.
He started walking around and he rushed me out of the place. On the way to his bike, I wanted to ask him stupid questions again, and I did as always cause I left my brain in outer space.
He was really pissed, and every time he gets really pissed with me, he will start coughing. He coughed like he was going to passed out, and I can see his anger brew.
Unlike the rest of the times, when I felt a little tinch of victory when he is angry, my heart broke a little. This man, who once meant the world to me is suffering because of me.
What do I get out of tormenting him? Even if he is a bad person, he has always been kind to me. Even when he is not the nicest guy on earth, he tried his best to be nice to me.
Why do I have to see everything so negatively? Maybe he over did it because he liked me too much? He tried too hard so he will not lose me, maybe that is his only mistake.
I shaked his hand, and wished him all the best. He said Thank You. He is such a polite boy. I cried and told him, I hope I will get better soon. Then I turned and walked away.
I told myself on the way back that, I will get better, not only for myself, but for the both of us.
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