Day 481 - Merry Christmas I want to tell you my life sucks
Saw Mom in the hospital in the morning. She is in a lot of pain, but I couldnt help and seeing her in pain makes me more painful.
Left and binged eat subway & cheese toast + milo.
Went home and took a nap. Woke up to head to Lilian's party but was too early.
I had time, so I went to find you.
I told you about my Mom's freak accident, you were worried she passed away. After I told you her both legs were fractured, you decided it wasn't that serious and told me that's life.
I went on and blabbered some nonsense about my childhood, and my depression and how I want to give the cats away cause I couldn't care for them in the way I would like. I wanted to wake up but my head is heavy, I want to clean the cat litters but I wasn't doing it.
You said you had it for the past 25 years, and that's how it is like, you want to do a lot of things but you just can't do it.
I told you about the lies you said, how they are only for your benefits, and never once did you apologise for lying.
You turned and said you're sorry for lying, but I can tell you don't mean it.
I forgot what happened, but I remembered I didn't want to go back out because I will have to face reality again - my Mom is warded, financial difficulties, a civil lawsuit, increase living expenses as might have to get a maid. Increase stress and thus worsen my depression.
Eventually, I ask if you saw anyone else after we split and you said you tried. Why tell me otherwise every time I asked if there's anyone else. I thought you wanted to"focus on work'. You got pissed at me saying that I made things worse and then something happened to the Ipod cover you were making and you eventually kicked me out.
There are times I will think back, and wonder just what the fuck is wrong with you? I hate it that you were the one who did all the wrong fucking shit and yet you have the rights to block me. You are such an ungrateful asshole.
You saw other girls when spending my money, how could you even allow yourself to do that. Don't you have pride? You don't have self respect?
But then as always, I will ask myself, where is the other side of the coin? Sure, I bought you dinner, and made you breakfast, but you washed my dishes.
You tried to offer me Finnish apples when I was crying over my sad life. You were excited to share your Finnish plum with me when I gave you a ride to your studio. You always try for the first 5 mins to be nice, but I am too emotionally overwhelming, even for myself.
You're not evil as my paranoia mind made out to be for a period. But I think you are a true blue narcissist - textbook style. Its like you intentionally behave this way, but in actual fact, you will never even be aware.
Left and binged eat subway & cheese toast + milo.
Went home and took a nap. Woke up to head to Lilian's party but was too early.
I had time, so I went to find you.
I told you about my Mom's freak accident, you were worried she passed away. After I told you her both legs were fractured, you decided it wasn't that serious and told me that's life.
I went on and blabbered some nonsense about my childhood, and my depression and how I want to give the cats away cause I couldn't care for them in the way I would like. I wanted to wake up but my head is heavy, I want to clean the cat litters but I wasn't doing it.
You said you had it for the past 25 years, and that's how it is like, you want to do a lot of things but you just can't do it.
I told you about the lies you said, how they are only for your benefits, and never once did you apologise for lying.
You turned and said you're sorry for lying, but I can tell you don't mean it.
I forgot what happened, but I remembered I didn't want to go back out because I will have to face reality again - my Mom is warded, financial difficulties, a civil lawsuit, increase living expenses as might have to get a maid. Increase stress and thus worsen my depression.
Eventually, I ask if you saw anyone else after we split and you said you tried. Why tell me otherwise every time I asked if there's anyone else. I thought you wanted to"focus on work'. You got pissed at me saying that I made things worse and then something happened to the Ipod cover you were making and you eventually kicked me out.
There are times I will think back, and wonder just what the fuck is wrong with you? I hate it that you were the one who did all the wrong fucking shit and yet you have the rights to block me. You are such an ungrateful asshole.
You saw other girls when spending my money, how could you even allow yourself to do that. Don't you have pride? You don't have self respect?
But then as always, I will ask myself, where is the other side of the coin? Sure, I bought you dinner, and made you breakfast, but you washed my dishes.
You tried to offer me Finnish apples when I was crying over my sad life. You were excited to share your Finnish plum with me when I gave you a ride to your studio. You always try for the first 5 mins to be nice, but I am too emotionally overwhelming, even for myself.
You're not evil as my paranoia mind made out to be for a period. But I think you are a true blue narcissist - textbook style. Its like you intentionally behave this way, but in actual fact, you will never even be aware.
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