Pray that I would be able to label those feelings, let them fly with the wind and heal soon.

Great article I found on healing.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/healing-from-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse/

There are many a times I toyed with this idea and even admitted it to others a few times. However, admitting and stealing these ideas and repeating them doesn't mean I mentally bought it.

Over time, I feel that I understand this idea a bit more.

Remember I kept copying the statements
"You can't force the outcome that you want" and "You can't change anyone else except yourself"

Also from a few others - realizing that you're just a speck of dust in this universe.

Actually I felt really pessimistic when I was told that, I will think that if I'm just a speck of dust, then can I die already?

But today, I thought to reiterate this specks of dust concept after reading the article. I had thought too greatly of myself. I have no capabilities, patience or expertise to "save" the narcissist from himself.

If having to go through so much pain in his own life is not able to make him change his ways, who am I to change him? If being a Christian, someone who believes there is a God and yet still chose to sin in life, who am I to change him?

Like quoted in the article, "A narcissist’s healing and actions are their responsibility only—nobody else’s."

I wonder why others can easily admit they loved a narcissist, while I can't.

Recently, I remembered all the things I willing did for him and maybe I did love him. Like how I observed that he doesn't sleep well, so he is always cautious and avoids caffeine. How I realise he likes fans, so I bought him a tiny fan. I saw he always wake up with a dry throat, so I put a cup of water next to his bedside. I probably loved him a lot more than I'm willing to admit.

I'm not too sure why I can't just think that we aren't meant to be like how I think of every other relationship, instead of blaming each other.