You can't force the outcome that you want

Last week, I spoke to my counsellor, she said I made great improvement as most of the anger towards what happened was gone.

Honestly, I put in a lot of effort to try and move on and I was stuck with 2 very conflicting thoughts which I couldn't reconcile myself. That was why I initially thought to have a word with you. I was hoping maybe like you said, I only saw things from my own perspective and missed out on yours, but you said so little of it and mostly in rebuke to my accusations. So I thought maybe if we talk in peace, I might be able to close the gap and really reach the end of this journey.

Due to our conflicting schedules, I just put the idea there and didn't pursue until I got your message about closing your business. It came as a shock and I panicked cause all my fears about you killing yourself flooded back, as I talked to Angie before and she helped me straighten my thoughts then, I thought to harmlessly ask if she also received the text and if it's real.

I really want to stay true to how I wished to respond and I thought maybe I could visit and make sure you're ok, so I reached out again but you weren't free and I didn't pursue. I thought the whatsapp conversation we had was quite healing as I could finally express my care without feeling like shit after that. 

I didn't know Angie spoke to you till last night, so I won against those thoughts on my own.

You won't even understand how much this meant to me, and how what happened last night really set me back by a lot.

I really hate being blocked as it makes me lose all control over my feelings... So can't you understand me once? 

All I wanted was to feel safe and take time to reconcile with myself so I won't be a burden to you or Jaime or the society in the future, but sometimes I will also mess up and I'm still learning how to pick up after myself.